Thinking about suffering. There is just so much suffering that I can't let myself think of it most of the time. We have had some beautiful posts for Love in Motherhood, and we have more coming in daily. The ways that we find love throughout our motherhood journeys are all so unique and special. Some of these stories speak of such suffering, and my heart aches and I want to take it all away and I want my friends and my family and my sisters and brothers to feel whole.
I hate the break in their heart and spirit and soul. I hate it. I hate suffering.
This pierces me ::
The longer the trial to which God subjects you, the greater the goodness in comforting you during the time of trial and in the exaltation after the combat. St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina
What?!?! God has a longer time at comforting you the longer your trial lasts, and then he exalts even more with you after the combat! My goodness. Why? What? How?
It's crazy. And amazing. And I stand in awe of those that face suffering with such courage and devotion and steadfast love. Even when their minds want to say, "screw this," they get up and say "I will trust."
Listening to these days it's a lot of calming music. I got Beyonce's album, and of course I love it. But most days, I need something that calms me down. I get a little anxious when there's a lot of noise and craziness happening around me. Most days, a little Audrey Assad is just what the doc ordered for me to feel at peace while at the same time helping to me see worship in every day living.
My husband struggles with anxiety, and I struggle to understand what he is going through. I never know what will trigger him, I never know when we'll need to reschedule our plans or when he's feeling frustrated with it and becomes snappy with me, I never know what he's really feeling because he tries to keep it hidden from me most days. It's a whole lot of unknown with someone who should be able to be vulnerable and real and honest with me. It's a lot of unknown for me to hold back what I'd like to say or do or suggest because I just don't know what's coming. It's a lot of unknown, daily, for the both of us.
Again, it's a suffering that I just don't understand. And I wish I could. And I wish I could take it away, all of it, so that he could feel whole again. But I can't. So I rest in Audrey's words, and I cling to the hope that Mike realizes that Love is by his side, that the Lord knows his suffering and that He is comforting him every single moment.
Reading Notes from a Blue Bike by the lovely Tsh Oxenreider who is the creator of The Art of Simple. Get it. It's rocking me. She's a freaking badass who works hard to not just say all of the great things she wants to do for her family (live more simply, work for herself, travel the world with her kiddos), but she does those things. By golly, she's convicting me. I will read and read and read and put it down only to pour out to my husband all of the ways I feel my heart being moved. It's pretty awesome. To feel movement, to feel that I can be better, to be called to more.
Thankful for my daughters. Who teach me so much about love and patience. For flowers from my husband that were unbelievably gorgeous. For his thoughtfulness. For his lack of thoughtfulness that I may learn patience. For community that I am honored and humbled to have. For the Church who stands up for those suffering and says, we will walk with you on your journey. For those suffering, because they have the comfort of a Heavenly Father and a heavenly kingdom. For you.
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