I've been in a place lately.
I wouldn't say it's been dark. I wouldn't say it's been dreary - but it's been quite a place.
Physically? I'm nearly 100% healed. I am, on the outside, and by all means, physically capable of doing nearly 100% of the tasks that a Mama should be able to do.
But I've been in this place.
I am constantly torn.
Nurse the baby. Hold your two year old. Talk to your four year old about preschool. Do the dishes. Vacuum the floors. Sweep and mop the mess. Sleep. Don't sleep. Guilt. Frustration. More guilt. Less sleep.
It's just ugly, all of it, in my head. I feel a helplessness that I've never felt before. I've always felt more than capable. And now I feel so far from that, emotionally and mentally. Physically, I'm all there. Mentally, I'm hiding under a rock and cannot will myself out of it.
I have always been a "yes" person (it's my mom - she's an incredibly hard working woman who says Yes to nearly everyone), so it's difficult for me that I don't feel like a "yes" person right now.
No, I don't want to leave my house. No, I don't want to go to Target with all three of my kiddos, most especially my 3 week old. No, I don't want to go to a family function. No, I don't want to go out to dinner or for drinks.
I just want to be here. I want to feel whole again. I want the helplessness to go away, and I want to feel capable again.
I feel like the only way that I can get there - the only way that I've ever felt whole or thrive is to have some sort of routine. And I'm living amidst utter chaos right now - the complete opposite of routine. So I'm floating in this in-between of waiting for a routine and a schedule and wanting to grasp onto something - anything - to get there.
This is going to take time, this feeling like myself again. I'm going to take time to get there. I'm okay with taking this time. I'm okay with focusing on my family and my newborn and letting the dishes fall to the wayside and the "yeses" to turn to "nos." I'm okay with that because what's important in my life right now is to feel a little bit of myself again. I will get there, I know I will. That's what makes me see the light out of this place.
But I'm going to take time. Stick with me, friends, I beg you, while my "nos" echo on and on, until I can look in the mirror and see myself again.
Right now, this is where my heart is, and this is where my heart will remain until the right time comes.