I Thought I Had Lost When I Won

 


I remember.. so vividly, that one moment when I realized that my world was going to change.

I was sitting there, probably eating ice creams because I love eating ice cream, and I was seven months pregnant. I suddenly had a thought, I will never have my body again, I will never be as sexy as I am right now, I will never be on my own, a singular person out here in this world. I am now officially a mother, and will never be hot again.

I think I may have even cried.

I was in shock. Literally, I couldn't even believe that everything was going to change - my boobs, my butt, my hips, my legs, my arms, everything. I felt like the most selfish person in the world for being sad about such a superficial thing. And I still feel like the most selfish person in the world for ever having thought that. But I did.

Then I had my first beautiful daughter. And every single one of those thoughts didn't come into my brain again because the beauty and gift that she was overshadowed anything I ever could have been bothered by. I had my treasure.

We had a wonderful breastfeeding relationship. She was a baby open to a routine, so a routine we did. She eventually, at around 9-10 months old, was nursing every 4 hours and not at all in the night. I savored those special moments with her, and would trade every thought of a hot body for those wonderful times.

Then I got pregnant. Again.

I was in complete shock. It wasn't expected, I wasn't prepared. I haven't even gone to the gym or worked out or done anything to improve ME at all!

My oldest weaned herself very shortly after I found out I was pregnant. And then I went back to my previous thoughts - I am so not okay with not EVER having my body back to myself.

I go from pregnant, breastfeeding, pregnant again and breastfeeding again.

I felt so frustrated and bummed that I wasn't able to be ME before becoming pregnant again. I felt so annoyed at myself for even having these thoughts - You have a life growing inside you, for heaven's sake!

But I couldn't help it, I was thinking it.

Once my younger daughter was born, this thinking evaporated into thin air. I didn't give a rat's behind what I looked like, I was a mom to two of the most beautiful girls ever created.



I'm not even close to looking or feeling the way that I want to about my appearance or my body, but I haven't lost my sex appeal, and I haven't lost my confidence, and I haven't lost my husband's awe of me. I haven't lost a thing, at the moment when I thought I was losing it all. (<-- tweet this)



I've only gained more love in my life than I ever could have imagined.

Did you struggle at all when you became pregnant?