I've struggled lately with the idea of working and being a mother. It's hard for me to know where my footing is in this crazy world of You must do it all! because I don't quite know where I fit.
I work three days a week for twelve hours a day. Those are three whole days that I don't see my daughters at all because I leave before they wake and get home after they're asleep. It's hard.
I have four days out of the week that I spend THE ENTIRE DAY with just them. It is amazing. I love it. Of course, yes, I complain about it here and there, and I have hard days, and days where the laundry doesn't get done and the dishes stay piled up and the gloom of This is my life hits me hard and I'm not grateful. <---- I hate those days.
I'm grateful most days. I get to see them and cuddle them and attempt to live in the moment with THEM. These precious girls that I was lent to nurture and care for and teach during our time on this earth. I was given some incredibly amazing creatures. And I am so incredibly blessed by their love. And their joy and their beauty and their patience. I am so honored to have them.
They give me great joy.
I also work. While I love what my job provides for my family, I wouldn't say it is my life's passion. And, ultimately, I believe that we should live with passion. And I do -- I get to blog and live in the blogging community in a special way that I love. And I wish I could do this full-time. I wish that I could live this passion of mine as my job // raise my children and blog every day. That would be divine.
That's not the case. I work outside of the home and my job provides for my family. I know, I've said this already. I'm trying to convince myself yet again why it is I do what I do. I'm so grateful for my job. It is a blessing, and one that many people don't have the opportunity of. I am so grateful for it.
What would I do if I had the choice?
Would I Could I be a stay at home mom? Would I suddenly turn into an amazing housewife who cleans and cooks and homeschools and does.all.the.right.things? Do I have it in me to be home 24/7 with my daughters? Was I created for that? Or should I be a working mother? Would it bring me joy?
Just thinking out loud, friends.
I came across this quote and absolutely loved it. It hit me.
Service is joy. Laying down my life for another (John15:13) -- there is truly no greater love. Does that mean serving my family? Does that mean serving in a hospital as a respiratory therapist? Does that mean continuing the stream of 3 days here, 4 days there?
I slept and dreamt... life. joy. I awoke and it was service. But they are on in the same.
I wish this was easy. I wish decisions just came to me like a roaring fire so that I wouldn't wonder any more.
Right now, I rest in my daughters. I rest in my family. I rest in the place that the Lord has me in at this very moment. I rest in these sweet faces that bring me to tears when I think hard enough of the incredible treasures I've been given.
I rest in Him, who is my joy.