My journey to motherhood is not unlike most of you, I was that little girl with the babies, and the doll houses until I was much too old. People always said "You'll be such a good mom", you're "such a little mama".
When my husband 'hitchhiked' his way into my life, our friends predicted that it wouldn't be long before we had a house-full of children. But no, we said. We hadn't even dated a year before we were engaged and married 6 months after that. We were certainly not going to be having babies any time soon....
I was working at a crisis pregnancy centre at the time, as well as taking on clients as a doula. I was utterly surrounded by babies and birth and pregnancy. But... we weren't looking to get pregnant. Our plan was to travel and work for at least a year, probably more, and then we would start our family.
Apparently that plan was of our own making. Eight months into our marriage I took a test and was utterly shocked to find a faint second line.
Although I had always felt that being a mother was my deepest calling... in reality I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks. "We just got married" I kept saying, "I want more time with just Bob", "I want to do things", "I'm not ready", "Bob is in school", "We have no money"....
In a matter of minutes I heard that still small voice. The Lord spoke to me saying "My arm is not too short". The verse is from Isaiah 59:1 and I can't say that I knew the reference but I immediately knew that the Lord was trying to tell me that his power is greater than any trial that I would face in this new journey of motherhood. That His plan was greater than my own.
Since that day I have known the comfort of that phrase over and over again. When my baby was breech and needed to be physically turned. When she arrived in the world with lungs unable to take their first breath. When I was uncertain of my new role as mother, feelings of inadequacy robbing me of joy. When I felt judged by other mothers. When I judged myself, analyzing my own decisions and actions as a mother, pretending to know more and be more. He whispers to me "My arm is not too short", My Heavenly Father says, "I can do this", "I can reach you wherever you are, no place is too dark, no problem too great for me to overcome".
So now I trust. We surrender ourselves into the sea of his Great Love and we let Him lead. We let him plan. I wont say it's not scary, I wont say it's easy, but His plans are far greater than my own. By His love He is shaping me and molding me for His purpose.
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Motherhood is still my deepest calling but I realize daily that it can be so much more if I allow Him to be in it, if I allow him to love through me. I can't do this whole motherhood thing without Him.