Breathing Fresh Air

The morning light breaks in, and I know it's finally time to tell this part of my story.

The morning light wakes me from my half-awake, half-asleep, try-to-ignore-that-the-kids-are-in-the-refrigerator-so-you-can-get-some-sleep "slumber."

And I know. It's time.

I've been doing this here on A Mama Collective for over two and a half years. Before that, I had a Blogger blog that was also A Mama Collective. And before that, I blogged on Blogger at The Guizars, where I blogged mostly about our personal lives.

There has been an evolution, of sorts. I have grown in the past four years. I have shared so much about my children, so much about the hardships and roughness of motherhood, so much about the lightness and goodness of motherhood, so much of their laughter, their joy, their tears, their lives.

I have shared a little bit about my marriage. I have been vulnerable to this space, to you, dear reader, to my struggles and my difficulties in the every day of being a wife and being a mother.

But, in this evolution, I feel a sense of freedom in my life. I have a shifting of the mountains and the movements.

I am no longer attached to this blog in the way that I've been before -- when I had collaborators, and we had seven posts go up in five days, when I had giveaways coming out the wazoo, when I felt an incessant NEED to please you, dear reader.

I have no need, any more. I have no need to give my life over to this rat race that I so willingly and longingly jumped in to two and a half years ago.

One day, it will make me money! That's what the time and sacrifice is for! are things I would tell my husband when I was up until 1-2am working on this blog, this "future business."

This evolution has opened my eyes, and for the first time, I run to my daughters' rooms when they wake at 5:30am instead of sneak into my office to work on a couple of posts, or scheduling out social media, or pinning things on Pinterest just because I should.

For the first time, I cuddle my husband longer than I should just to keep him from going in to work, instead of tossing him to the side, saying Oh my gosh, I forgot to add the sponsor's link to my giveaway today!.

How much of life have I thrown away, all for this space? For this *virtual connection* that I was so longing for?

I've given up too much for it. And this evolution, it is shifting things. I am moving. I am unfolding. I am discovering. I am becoming who I was always meant to be.

A mom, in love with her children and her vocation. A wife, who gives her husband more than she gives her blog. A hard worker, who values her job and her friendships in it. A friend, who says "Yes" to girls' nights out because the blog can wait. A daughter, a sister, a niece, an ear --- one who is not too busy with her social media and her blog and her Facebook page to actually listen to a real life problem.

This evolution, man. This freedom. It feels so. damn. good.

So, there's my conundrum, sweet reader (or, more accurately, Mom). Actually, it isn't even a conundrum. Here's my heart. I no longer feel strung in too many directions. I finally feel free to beat at the rhythm of my real life. I finally feel free to sit and watch a show with my daughters without the guilt of all the things I should be doing.

I no longer feel the weight.

And this evolution, this freedom, it warms my soul.

I see the morning light beckon me. It's beckoning me to my patio with coffee and a good book. I'm no longer drawn to my dark office and a computer screen.

The morning light breaks in and I can finally breathe fresh air.

breathing fresh air