Fresh Starts

"I am feeling too sad to write this," I say to my friend Beth. "I can't shake the sadness."

"Why don't you talk about your haircut?" Beth answered.

"What about my haircut?"

"It's a fresh start."

"I don't feel very fresh," I answered her, sufficiently cutting down the conversation before it can go anywhere else.

What about you, ? Not feeling very fresh? Not feeling like the breath of fresh air is coming soon enough? Not feeling like the deep breaths you have to remind yourself to take are filled with enough air to push out all the sadness / pain / suffering / anxiety?

Yeah, neither do I.

But maybe, just maybe, the fresh start is a choice, as opposed to the feeling I've been waiting on. Maybe the "fresh start" is really the acknowledgement of the Lord in the midst of the pain. Maybe the "fresh start" is the recognition that I can do nothing. I can only accept His love and warmth.

Maybe the fresh start isn't so much "feeling" fresh, but the realization that He is making me new. He is pruning away the parts of me that need pruning (like those hairs that got cut).

He is shaving away my dependency on myself, He is showing me that my greatest confidence will not be in the answers that I have, but it will be in dependency on a Father who will never, ever, ever abandon me.

So today, right now, I am choosing the fresh start.
I am choosing to open my hands to the pruning, to the cutting away the parts of me that had *all the answers* to now understand that I don't have any... and to surrender myself in complete dependence on our God.
I am choosing the fresh start even thought the feelings aren't there.
I am choosing to surrender even though I would rather fix everything myself. 

I choose You, Lord. I choose You, even when it's hard for me to feel you.

I open my hands to You, Lord. Prune away. Make me new. Give me the fresh start. 

I'm not ready, but You'll get me there. I'm not feeling all the feels, but Your generosity surrounds me. I confidently approach the throne of grace to receive what You're pouring out: grace and mercy over each of us.

Boldly, I open my hands, drink it in. Thank You, thank You.

You're making me new.